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Video > Text | un: Miss Jackson if you're nasty

[The picture clicks on, almost entirely filled with the pale face of one Olivia Moore, brow bunched up as she taps at something on the screen.

Murmurred:] Okay, I think that's recording.

[Sitting back, she gives her head a little, resolute shake, and brushes some platinum hair from her face. She pulls in a breath, sighs it out again.]

Hi, everyone. This is Liv. I think most of you know me, but we've kind of had a run on newbies recently, so you might just know me as "that short girl with the white hair." I'm a doctor, originally from Seattle on Earth, around 2017. I've been here about six months-ish. And... none of that is really the point of this video.

So, here's the thing. I'm a zombie. [A thin, nervous laugh and slight shrug.] Obviously not the mindless, face-falling-off kind, although that does happen if I don't get enough brains to eat. [A slow nod, lips pressed together.] Yeah, some of you who work in the kitchen are probably starting to put some things together right about now. I'm sure my obsession with saving venison brains has seemed a little weird.

[Another breath.] The good news is, I can survive just fine on animal brains, which is what I've been doing. The zombie virus can't be transmitted by touch or saliva or me sneezing on you or anything like that. It's strictly blood-borne, doesn't survive outside the human body. Sex and a blood-drawing scratch are the big ways to catch it. [She lifts her hand, fingers splayed to show her nails.] I keep 'em short.

The chance of me being a threat in any way to any of you is very, very slim, but the chance is there. So I get it if you would rather I not be your doctor. Beverly is awesome and I'm sure she'll be happy to help you instead. And I'm just kind of hoping that most of you understand why I kept this a secret, and don't hold it against me too much. It's kind of an instinctive thing for me. People usually don't react well. So.

[A bite of her bottom lip, tilt of her head.] If you have questions, you can send a text to this video once I post it, public or private. I'll do my best to answer them.

Oh, and Bull, I kinda need to talk to you.

Thanks. [A finger lifts toward the screen and the picture cuts off]

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look, I am not unaware that my boyfriend used to murder people in cold blood on the daily
I don't know how he was then, but I'm guessing "great guy" would be a stretch, so I'm not blaming you for that

the fact that you got over it is impressive, tbh, but good people do that
when my bff found out I was a zombie, in the worst possible way I might add, she ran away and I didn't hear from her for 6 months
and she was my best bestie
she was my roommate
she didn't even take her clothes, it was crazy
but she came around because she realized it wasn't my fault

...and I probably veered a little off the topic of Steve there, but just saying, you don't have to make excuses to me for not being buddies with the Winter Soldier

by what you worked to build, you mean the team?

There's this whole 'brainwashing' part he likes to gloss over. Zero agency. Literally had no choice in the matter. I shouldn't have to forgive him for what he did, because he didn't do it, but I did, because he needed to hear it. Me and Barnes? We're square.

Steve and I agreed on a clean slate and that's fine but- I'm not going to be less bitter.

The initiative. It was more than the team we had on hand, it was what it could grow into, what it was meant to be. I stepped back for personal reasons to retire and you know. Live a life. I trusted Steve with it because I knew it mattered to him.

Not enough, I guess, but- there was a lot going on. I hold exactly zero percent of that clusterfuck against Bucky. He didn't have any say in it.

I know that, Tony
I knew it the first time we met, when you were bleeding out all over him and cracking jokes about it
it's ok, I know you care about him, and he cares about you
it's a complicated, shitty situation, and trust me that I definitely know how he is about it
he's never not guilty or anxious, I guess he and Bruce kinda have that in common
you wouldn't believe how long it took to get him to sleep over, because he's terrified he'll have a nightmare and accidentally kill me in my sleep, and I can't make him really understand that if he tried, he'd probably be the one who ended up dead
because he refuses to see me that way, but he won't see himself any OTHER way

but anyway

so like, honestly here: how much of that love for what you built, that hope, etc was for the team as a whole, a unit, and how much of it was for Steve as a partner in it?

I thought I'd done something right. For once I'd built something that would outlast me, that'd be a better legacy than decades of weapons development. Something that could really protect people from shit they shouldn't ever have to worry about.

It's always been something I figured, that Steve would outlive me. I'm a man in a can at the end of the day. I age. Getting up from the hits gets harder every time I'm knocked down. So I stepped back and trusted him to see it through. And maybe if it weren't for everything piling in on all at once? He would've.

They were supposed to trust me that I'd do right by them. They weren't supposed to break the way they did, and he wasn't supposed to go off without talking to me and trusting me to try and fix shit.

So both, I guess.

but it's not completely broken, Tony
I don't know about Steve, I can't speak for Steve, but look around you, look at the people who look to you, who depend on you to fix... hell, everything
look at me, right now, asking for your help

maybe it's not the same, but you know, that doesn't mean it can't be worth it
you're learning - you just made a point of that, of how hard you've worked at learning to be a better person
you made a point about Bucky being allowed a second chance
and I don't know specifics here, I don't know exactly what Steve did that hurt you this badly
but I guess I'm just wondering if he should be allowed the chance to learn, too

ftr, I can't believe you have me defending the guy who just implied I'd screw my boyfriend without telling him it could make him a zombie

Steve has that effect on people.

Since we're talking about it- fuck I need more scotch for this. I have none, I need a significantly larger amount than none for this- You know the deal about Barnes and my parents and me. That mess.

Steve? Knew. For years. Didn't say a word. Denied me the chance to process it like a reasonable human being instead of learning in the worst way possible and losing my shit on someone that didn't fucking deserve it after a long week of dragging that person through a lot of levels of hell he never needed to endure in the first place because when Steve Rogers decides a thing needs to be done, by god, that thing will be done in the way he thinks it ought to be done.

It's not a terrible quality as long as it's not pointed at you. Standing on the other side of it is a fucking migraine.

We've talked about it, hashed out the hows and the whys and compared scars and what I've come away with is- I don't know him near as well as I thought I did. I thought we were friends. Apparently he thought I hated him. For years. So. That's a thing.

wait

what deal with your parents?

...I thought you knew?

Fuck it, it explains a lot, I'll just-

While brainwashed by Hydra, as the Winter Soldier, Bucky was made to murder my parents. It was staged to look like a traffic accident. Kind of a formative trauma, fucked up my view of my father for years because I blamed him for drinking and driving and killing my mother- it was a whole thing.

Instead of letting me know Steve- well. For all that he doesn't back down from a fight apparently doesn't handle this kind of conflict well.

So instead of having time to process this I get to watch a VHS quality recording of it happen in real time while Bucky is three feet to my left after a shitty, shitty fucking week of a larger clusterfuck, after coming away from the hospital where my best friend, Rhodey, was undergoing spinal surgery from a bad fall because Steve let our disagreement become a brawl instead of talking like an adult.

I didn't handle it well.

[There is a long pause — An understandable pause, Liv hopes, while she pitches forward where she's sitting on her bed and just breathes raggedly against her bent knees. Jesus Christ.]

Tony I
god I'm so sorry
I didn't know
he doesn't talk about that stuff
not like that

[ It's a mess. It's a fucking mess but- she should know. She can't help Buck if she doesn't know, can't understand how far Steve Rogers will go for him if she doesn't know. ]

He really should, you can't process shit if you keep ignoring it. King of ignoring it right here and it never got me anything but more baggage. Tell him to learn from my mistakes.

I forgave him. I shouldn't have to, he wasn't liable, he literally wasn't steering when that happened. It's not his fault. I can say that now because I've got time and distance and a chance to process it.

Then? I...reacted badly. There was a fight.

Two supersoldiers versus one man in an armored suit. Remember that new sternum I mentioned needing?

Bucky was trying not to die, Steve was- well. Trying to protect Bucky.

still freaking out a little here, give me a sec

he and I, we don't
look
I have my own shit and it's terrible
it's... really, really bad
and maybe I should be talking about it too but I don't
we've never said explicitly we're not talking about this stuff, it's just agreed
because this place has been shitty to everyone else but it's been good to us
and that's what we focus on, as much as we can

I'm sorry I didn't know, though, which is a weird thing to say about something like that
I hate that it happened
I hate it for you and I hate it for him

I will say though that I'm glad you figured out how stupid the whole mess was because I just
it's frustrating as a (mostly) normal, nonsuperhero person who cares about superhero people, to conceive of the fact that you all figured those powers and fancy gadgets meant you could hurt each other
that it was the natural reaction
and I'm not blaming you
but it's upsetting as an idea

maybe the assholes in charge of this place actually knew what they were doing, taking all of that away from you guys

Take your time. It's a lot, it's upsetting. It's- everything I tried to make sure we weren't.

[ And yet it happened in front of the whole world because of poor choices, shitty choices, politics and an asshole with a grudge.

Maybe it as inevitable. If not then, something else. ]

I'd say if it has a chance of coming up and complicating shit? It's worth talking about. If not- focus on the good. You're obviously good for each other and- in a weird way? You remind me of Pepper and me. How we fit. Even when shit is fucked up, we fit, we provide a point of normalcy.

I can say, honestly, even without the armor I'd have been reaching for a sledgehammer or something. The armor just meant I didn't die when Steve brought his shield down on me. Whole other batch of trauma right there unrelated to- most of everything. It was stupid. It was knee jerk reactionary. It will never, ever happen here, not if I can help it.

For me? It's a frustrating vacation. For them? Its rough. But if everyone had what they had back home? Shit would be on fire. I can guarantee it.

and I'm the scary one

I can see you've dealt with all of it, or have started to, and I'm glad even though I'm honestly sitting here wondering how in the hell I'm going to tell Bucky I know
because I really doubt he feels as well-adjusted about it
in fact, I can almost guarantee it
and he's just
jesus

he's such a good guy, Tony, and it hurts my heart, you know?

Scary is relative. You got dealt a shit hand and keep helping people. You saved my life without knowing me. You're trying to find ways to cope with your condition without endangering anyone else. How is that frightening?

I'll tell him I told you. If he gets mad at me, I can deal with it. I mean, it is my fault for assuming he'd told you. I'm trying this new transparent communication thing? Apparently it's good for healthy relationships.

He is. That's the real fucking tragedy. They tried to make more, you know? Winter Soldiers. None of them were malleable enough because they were all fucking evil to begin with. Everything I've read up on what was done to him? Was framed as a way to convince him he was doing good. That's the most fucked up part.

That is why Steve Rogers puts Bucky Barnes above anything and everything.

...and why I'll put up with Steve and the rest of them because Bucky loves you- and you're asking for my help. So.

thanks for that last bit, because my crying hadn't quite reached full-on ugly weeping

he's amazing, full stop
I have the best boyfriend and I don't think I'll ever really get how
all these people offering me support, I have to wonder how many of them caught what he's given up to be with me

although I like to think you like me enough to help me regardless because you're a good guy, too

If you think this means I'm not finding a proper silicate rubber to help you have save intercourse you have another think coming.

Bros don't let bros not make love to their bros if they can help it.

okay that got away from me a little but you know what I mean.

omg I can't believe you just went there

...ok no, I can totally believe it
but seriously, IT'S FINE
condoms don't work so don't waste your time
the zombie virus is tenacious

I will find a way, Liv a little.

There's bound to be something, I'll figure it out.

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Video > Text | un: Miss Jackson if you're nasty

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