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[The screen comes to life with Nida stretched out on a bed. Which is of course weird because the guy just about lives in the dojo, or did. Still, this is where he is now, and do with that what you will.]

Hello all. I just remembered that I sort of failed to provide an update on this.

As some of you may have noticed, I seem to have spent the weekend living, oh, somewhere between 19 and 20 months back home. In the course of what I'm told was two days here. I was for all intents and purposes gone, and I had the dubious pleasure of returning here older, hopefully wiser, and a good deal more tired.

Given all of this I will be temporarily cutting back on the lesson hours I will be offering at the dojo. There are a few things I need to do to mentally reorient to life here, and even a week has not been sufficient for that. But as part of the process I'm trying to find some ways to relax myself.

So basically hi I'm here again and healthy.

[He grimaces briefly at the word choice because it's a few forms of inaccurate but whatever.]

And frankly if anyone has some good activities for means to relax, please share. I could use some, what was the phrase that was used?

Ah, 'Self-Care' days.

So I open the discussion to the town.

What do you do to make yourself feel better when you're stressed? I'm happy to try as many as are offered.

[Another look, this time one of regret, because, well, maybe that wasn't the best suggestion. Because he knows people here whose idea of relaxing is sexual in nature and that he can't manage.]

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Punch things. Or shoot things, but we have a serious lack of guns around here.

[you know. violence. something something endorphins and adrenaline.]

Sometimes I read. Books. The library here sucks.

Edited (gonna still tag that log!!) 2019-03-22 20:27 (UTC)

I was never great with guns. I mean, I can use them, but I'm not great.

And I'm not big on the whole punching things right now. I could try the books thing.

Well, fair warning, I’ve read basically everything in the library and it’s all boring. Unless you find instructions on how to tie different kinds of knots to be a captivating read, of course.

I mean, it's useful if it's an instruction manual on shibari, but if i wanted to learn that I would have stuck with Bull instead of Billy.

[based on jason’s few interactions with bull?]

I’m not gonna like the answer if I ask you what that is, am I.

Depends on whether you want to be a piece of art.

What, I’m not pretty enough for you already?

You're quite pretty and were it not for Billy I would have hit on you, okay?

Edited 2019-03-25 02:40 (UTC)

That would’ve made the whole “I’m adopting you as my brother” thing kinda weird and uncomfortable.

Wouldn't have adopted you if I was trying to seduce you, Jason.

[he laughs quietly.]

Well, you definitely made the right choice going for Billy. I’m not exactly seduceable material.

You are. You just don't know it. But that isn't here or there.

Shibari. The art of rope bondage. That's what I meant.

Pretty sure that outta the two of us, I’m the one who’s known me longer.

[he sighs. how did this discussion escalate so quickly.]

Well, I was right about not being thrilled about the answer, at least.

Yeah, you have, but we don't always know ourselves.

[They escalate quickly because that is just what Nida is right now. Sorry.]

I mean, it can be thrilling but only if it's to your taste.

I don’t exactly know what my taste is, but I spent enough of my teen years getting tied up to guess it’s not gonna be that.

Fair enough. I mean, sometimes I found for work that people who had damn good reasons to shy away from it needed it at lot more and would ask me, but that isn't universal.

Sexual preferences are that. Preferences. Highly personal. And frankly, I don't think I could handle the idea of it either without a serious trust of a partner.

[jason makes a quiet huffing sound.]

Last time I trusted a partner, I ended up dead. Not too keen on making that mistake again, in any context.

That's both a good and a terrible point, Jason. I mean, the guy deserves beat up, which I'm going to do if he ever shows his face and manage to beat Seifer to it. At the same time, trust me when I say I know from experience that sometimes the 'mistake' is worth making.

I’ll have to take your word for it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my stupid life and none of them were worth what happened after.

Trust me, Jason, when I say I know what you mean. Some of my worst ones have occurred in the last few months. I...

Sometimes things change. And in ways you never expected. Consider this place for one. Here we can try to become more than what we were. More than what was done to us.

[jason goes quiet, considering nida’s words. he isn’t wrong, but.]

What if I don’t know what I want to become?

[it’s a question jason hasn’t given any thought since gotham. he’d been absorbed with planning an executing his elaborate revenge for five years, and after that? well, he half expected to be dead again, not sent hurtling through the multiverse.]

I don't know what I want to become either, Jason. It's not always something we can plan for, right? We move on, we take our lives, one day and one action at a time. And we become something new.

And in a way, that's beautiful.

[jason laughs under his breath.]

When did you get to be such an optimist?

It's a necessary part of the whole 'stay sane enough to not try and off myself again' plan. And the 'don't make Billy cry' plan. The second one actually helps justify the first one.

Again, huh.

[jason goes quiet once again, pondering whether he wants to push nida to talk about this. jason’s no stranger to casual suicidal ideation; he can’t count the number of times he’s thought that he should’ve stayed dead and considered, ever so briefly, making it happen.

but nida’s claimed jason as a brother, and jason’s resolved to do a better job at being a brother than dick ever was with him. he cares about nida, and he needs to know.]

You get to feeling like that a lot?

[Difference between ideation and actual attempts, Jason. Bit difference.]

Oh, I assure you it's a recent thing, and despite Seifer and Rinoa deciding to be the closest thing I'll ever have to helicopter parents, not to mention how often Bull, Malik and Altair check in on me, we're probably in the clear. Probably.

Granted I'm not often left alone for more than the time it takes for the bathroom, or to walk to the bakery in the North Village and at this point I'm half certain I'm being shadowed on that walk to and from anyway.

If only I were merely being paranoid about that.

[There is definitely a sigh in his voice.]

I'm not even allowed to sleep alone. Which is fine because I can't sleep when I'm alone.

[blowing up an building while he’s still inside counts as an attempt, right? because jason’s definitely done that before, expecting not to live through it.]

You wanna tell me what happened? I might know a little something about what that’s like - not wanting to be alive.

[he won’t push if nida doesn’t want to talk about it, but the offer to listen is there.]

[You're sure you want to know, Jason? Alright then, enjoy.]

Oh, it wasn't much of a thing, you know? Nothing major. Just was on an eight month long infiltration mission to figure out why there was such high losses of life in our operations in a certain area now that war was starting to bubble up. Except they weren't dying in the war. Was there with my long time friend turned lover.

Turned out he'd betrayed us. Lovely thing. And he expected me to turn with him. The fight was pretty epic. Ended with my weapon ruined and his sword through my shoulder. Which I pulled out and killed him with. I nearly died from blood loss, and when I returned home I was lauded as a hero.

For murdering the man who loved me. Who I thought I loved. Who, back home where I didn't remember anything, helped me remember and come to terms with that wonderful little memory you saw up there on the mountain. It was nice to receive the public standing ovation in our cafeteria while still loopy from pain medication and recovering from a nasty scar that is still healing now because did I mention this all happened no more than two weeks ago? Absolutely wonderful, to have one of the first times I was ever truly recognized for my work, recognized at all in my home by those other than my immediate companions, applaud me from killing the man I thought I loved?

My rooms back there? Attached bathroom. With a mirror over the sink of course. I couldn't stand to see myself in the mirror, looking like this, looking like he liked to see me. I couldn't...

[There's a small, weak sigh and some other noise in the background. Nida is totally coaxing Julia into his lap because he needs the soothing presence of the peacat and the oils from her feathers to calm down. He's definitely been bonding with the feline.]

I couldn't stand to see myself. I punched the mirror and broke it. Last thing I remember from there is looking at the shards and thinking about it. The sting of the cuts. The weakness. A weird tingling. Then I was here, in the fountain, and were it not for Bull, I may well have drowned there. Because I didn't realize where I was, the memories weren't slotting in as easily, and so I was resigned to whatever end I could get.

Hyne I could really use a drink right now.

[he’s quiet for a long moment, absorbing all of what nida tells him. his own experiences aren’t exactly similar, but he understands the pain of losing someone you love, especially when betrayal’s involved. when jason finally speaks again, his voice is much softer than usual, entirely sincere, no trace of his default sarcasm.]

It’s hard to deal with something like that - loving someone who ends up betraying you. Maybe even hating yourself for not being good enough to prevent it from happening. Can’t say I’ve got any good advice on the subject, but for what it’s worth, I’m glad you didn’t check out, and I know there’s others here who feel the same way.

[he exhales a slow breath, heavy with the weight of the truths passed between them.]

If you think your helicopter parents would let you off the leash for a bit, I’d get a drink with you.

[maybe not the healthiest coping mechanism, but it’s one that works.]

The worst part?

[There is a bitterness to his voice then. A quiet sort of anger.]

When I got here, when I got my memories of Billy back, when I saw him that night? I knew that I didn't love the guy. I just thought I had. Because I didn't have relationships there. Not even friendship. Except he was the only person that reached out to me like that.

Edited 2019-04-09 22:19 (UTC)

Yeah ... I don’t really know what to tell you. I’ve never had anything like what you and Billy have. I do know it’s pretty easy to start questioning yourself after a betrayal like that, and that you can drive yourself crazy thinking about it.

Who is to say I'm not already crazy?

[All he can do is give a deep sigh then. This... this isn't easy, and it's definitely hard to talk about. In so many ways.]

I'm here, and it hurts but it's okay because I've got so many people hovering that I can barely find time to breathe.

Edited 2019-04-11 22:09 (UTC)

Well, since you’ve got so many people doing it already, I’ll do my best not to hover. But, um ... if you get to feeling like that again and no one else is around, let me know?

Thanks, Jason. A lot. I just... I don't WANT to hurt myself. Most of the time. It's just when I'm alone too long and think too much. I'm trying to stay busy.

Or inebriated.

[ Aw, Nida got a haircut. I mean, everything else too, but she kinda liked his old hair. ]

My preference is for heights. But climbing might be tough for an old man like you, huh?

Flying into trees doesn't count as climbing, and I'll take you any day.

[ She snorts a laugh. He can't be that badly off if he's making jokes, right? ]

Rude. And I'm not sure racing up trees counts as 'self-care'.

Does when you live for heights, my dear.

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audio; un: jane doe - i'm assuming jason knows he’s back & they talked

fair assumption

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Private as Hell

yep private is a good idea

mostly private to spare billy's poor brain, plus secrets

continued private

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cw talking about suicide

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cw still talking about suicide

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cw vaguer reference to suicide

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video; un: still steph

UN: RankA

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